Those Wonderful Toys: Preternatural Chronicles Book 7 (The Preternatural Chronicles) Read online

  I dropped to the pavement and began rolling around while something that sounded suspiciously like a small child crying filled the air. I had no idea where it was coming from...

  As the last of the flames went out, the unmistakable sound of Hayley’s laughter pierced the night like firecrackers in a nursery.

  With a scalp that wafted smelly white smoke, I got to my knees and shot my face to the easily locatable sound that was Warden Broadway’s laugh. She single-handedly broke the world record for the loudest volume howl of laughter.

  “Someone call Guinness,” I muttered before I saw Hayley holding her hand up with thumb and forefinger in the shape of an L, a holoscreen floating in the air next to her hand. “Are you freaking recording this?!”

  “Oh yes. I plan on creating a compilation of everything I’ve recorded over the last two years,” she snickered with a shit-eating grin.

  “Hayley,” Ludvig began, walking up next to his recently wed wife and removing his breathing apparatus and red goggles. “Dat’s not very nice.”

  “See! Even the Swede can see how big of a dick you are.”

  “Oh, you’re just mad because mine is bigger than yours.”

  Ludvig chimed in at the mention of his woman having a peen, “Hey, now. I don’t fink I like dat reference.”

  “According to Lily, John likes it,” Hayley countered, closing her phone.

  “Damn it,” I muttered. “One time. One freaking time. And it was a beginner size strap-on!”

  “That’s not what she said.”

  Something bothered me. Well, something bothered me more than the talk of what should have been my private bedroom activities.

  “Two things. First,” I said, holding up a single finger while walking to where my two allies stood, “you try living as long as me and being in a relationship with a freaking ageless Fae goddess; things start to get...let’s say boring, and you need to spice things up. Besides, we’ve done waaaay worse than just that. And second,” another finger went up, “when the hell did you talk to Lily?”

  Hayley looked like I had caught her red-handed.

  “Hayley...” I drawled in warning.

  “Hey, listen,” Hayley began, crossing her arms and shifting uncomfortably on her feet. I could tell she knew this day was coming. “She only wants to know you are safe. Can we leave it at that?”

  “Hayley. I would really appreciate the truth. I haven’t seen Lily in two years, and...and...”

  “You miss her,” Hayley finished for me.

  “I do. More than I thought I would. Seeing a knife coming at you, knowing that it is going to hurt a lot, is nothing in comparison to when it actually pierces your flesh. You thought you knew how much it would hurt, only to be corrected with its true intensity. It’s the same with how much I miss her.”

  “She’s the only woman you’ve ever loved, huh?” Hayley asked softly.

  I didn’t answer, which in itself was an answer.

  “She comes to me about every six months in a whisper, like a cool breeze that tickles your ear.”

  “Where do you meet? I mean, you’ve never done anything weird like excuse yourself to buy a pack of smokes or whatever.”

  “I go to the bathroom and then shift to the In-Between.”

  “Ah, that would explain why I never noticed, with the whole time thingy.”

  “What time thingy?” Lude asked, shifting his gaze back and forth between Hayley and me.

  “They could chat for days on end and not even a second would pass on our plane,” I explained, giving Hayley the stink eye that was only half-assed. A part of me was touched that Lily was keeping tabs.

  “What I don’t get is how she always knows exactly where we are?” Hayley inquired as if the very question had been burrowing deeper into her mind with each passing day.

  “It’s Lily, dude. Queen of the Fae and all that. She has incredible power. When Depweg and I fought Locke—you know, when he played for the other team—we almost died. Lily saved Depweg by cutting her own flesh with a freaking silver knife and giving the severed meat to him.”

  “That’s not that weird,” Hayley countered.

  “Yeah, but her flesh healed instantly...from silver, man. Not even I can pull off that magic trick, heh.”

  There were a few moments of silence before Ludvig spoke, “Didn’t you just say iron doesn’t hurt you anymore?”

  “Oh, yeah!” I excitedly confirmed, looking down at my hands as I opened and closed them. “Maybe I upgraded!”

  “Focus, please. We have a job to do. I’m only participating in this little jerk-off session because I know she’s important to you. But now that you appear to be over it...shall we?” Hayley bent at the waist and swept an arm out, indicating that I take the lead.

  “Pfft, fine,” I grumbled. “But later, we’re gonna have ourselves a little chin waggle. Ya feel me, bro?”

  “I’m sure if I did, I wouldn’t feel much.”

  I let what she said play over in my mind, confused, before it hit.

  “You’re talking about my package...aren’t you?”

  A frustrated Ludvig interjected, “Guys, please!”

  Hayley and I flicked our gazes to one another—coming to the same conclusion without having to utter a word—before switching back to Ludvig. The big guy was peanut butter and jelly.

  “Awe, isn’t he cute?” Hayley purred, stepping closer to her man and wrapping both her arms around one of the Swede’s massive limbs. She even gave the leather of his trench coat—which wasn’t as awesome as mine—a little kiss at his shoulder.

  “No, I mean dat!” Ludvig corrected, raising his free hand to point at the bunker.

  Hayley and I turned to see it smoldering into a pile of molten metal and rock.

  “Whoa,” the warden and I droned at the same time.

  “Dude...what’d you do?” Hayley asked.

  With a focus of mind, I pulled the torch I had dropped on the ground earlier through the air to land in my extended hand. It was kind of like using the force, only legally different. Vigor! Yeah! That’s what I’d call it.

  “Heh. Feel my vigor!” I whispered to myself.

  “What was that?” Hayley asked as she stepped away from Ludvig and toward the melting bunker.

  “Huh? Oh, nothing,” I lamely answered as I willed the torch to vanish. I was getting good at not having to consciously focus on the manifestation in order to keep from losing the power needed to create it. “Vigor,” I mouthed again, quieter this time.

  “Heard that.”

  “I’ll hear you,” I grumbled in defeat as I sauntered to catch up to my friends who were almost to the growing hole in the ground.

  “Hey, listen, I don’t think we’re gonna be able to go down there now.”

  “Why come?” I asked as I stood at the edge of the glowing pool. “Oh. That’s why come.”

  “What now, dipshit? Wasn’t that the only way in?”

  “We could wait for it to cool before trying again,” Ludvig suggested pragmatically.

  “And give them the time to build a defense? They’re probably down there now collectively trying to summon a-a-a freaking Stay Puft Marshmallow Man!” Hayley emphasized with dramatic hand movements.

  “Ha! Epic ref,” I barked out as I continued to stare at the glowing pool of molten metal and rock.

  “Oh, wait,” I said as much to myself as to the group.

  Mjolnir flew into my extended right hand at my thought, and I used the focusing tool of the gods to feel the elements.

  An overweight security guard burst from a shack with a Glock in hand. Looking at the man, I saw he was covered in sweat and could barely hold his sidearm steady as he pointed it at us. He was about eighty feet away, and I had serious doubts he would be able to hit us even if he weren’t trembling with fright.

  In French, he called out, “Get on your hands with your knees in the air!”

  I had to do a mental double take to make sure my French wasn’t garbled. It wasn’t. I picture
d the three of us complying with his odd request, and deduced he had tripped over what he wanted to say.

  “Let me guess, he shouted something about surrendering?” Hayley asked with a sigh, pulling out a glowing wand from under her warden’s cloak. It had the emblem of the Council on it, which was in the shape of a capital T with the top half of a lowercase o at the center, almost like turning a C to the side. The cloak not only served to identify her status within the Council but was also bulletproof.

  “Something like that,” I said in answer to the warden’s question, repeating the odd request in my mind. I was tempted to do a handstand with my knees in the air like he had instructed. Normally I would have, but Hayley was right about the warlocks belowground probably setting up a defense.

  “He might have silver or iron rounds,” Ludvig whispered, suggesting we take the mortal threat a tad more seriously.

  With Mjolnir still in hand, I grabbed onto the lava in front of us and flicked my wrist in a quick gesture toward the guard.

  The entirety of the huge glob of molten metal and rock was flung through the air toward the mortal, who shrieked in confusion as he fired into the flying lava.

  I smiled at the absurdity before my helmet flashed into existence of its own volition right as something slammed into my forehead.

  “Ow, what the pudding pops?” I drawled as I lifted my hand just in time to catch the mushroomed round as it tumbled toward the ground. It had a small bit of hardened lava rock on it that had cooled during the flight.

  My scowling eyes looked up to see that a portion of the lava had folded in on itself, creating a donut which passed harmlessly over the guard.

  “Hey!” I exclaimed, pointing with my free hand as I dropped the round to tinkle on the ground.

  “He’s a mortal, fool. You know the rules,” Hayley reminded me, frustrated, as her eyes rolled. She lowered her glowing wand, and I understood that she had manipulated my attack in midair.

  “Yeah, but he’s working for the bad guys,” I protested, shoving my open-palmed hand through the air in the general direction of the whimpering man.

  “What do you bet he didn’t know his employers were warlocks powered by Hell magic?”

  “I...ah...hey! Look at that!” I cried out, pointing to somewhere behind Ludvig and Hayley.

  Ludvig pivoted around to see what I was pointing to, while Hayley just stared at me with a scowl that said, “Really?”

  I bounced my eyebrows up and down while keeping my finger extended before sighing and saying, “Just turn around.”

  Hayley smirked before making a show of turning around and declaring, “Oh, I wonder what’s behind me! Gee! What could it be?”

  With my plan in full motion, I turned back to the guard who was actively inspecting his body for lava damage, and willed a ball of air on the tip of my hammer.

  Like in a baseball picture, I lunged forward and threw the ball of air to smash into the forehead of the mortal, knocking him clean out.

  “Okay, you can turn around now.”

  “Oh, can we? ’Cause I was having sooo much fun looking at these warehouses behind us,” Hayley said theatrically as she let her arms fly up to the air, only to let them fall back down and smack into her thighs.

  Seeing the guard, she pointed at him and gave me a questioning look.

  “Knocked him out with a ball of air.”

  “If you’d only knocked him out, he’d be getting back up right about now. No one stays knocked out for more than a few seconds, dude.”

  “Unless I gave him a concussion or something, which he deserved!”

  “John...” Hayley sighed as she rubbed at her eyes with her free hand.

  “You’re right, though. Isn’t it annoying when movies always portray someone getting knocked unconscious and staying that way for as long as the protagonist needs? I mean, have these writers ever even seen a real boxing or MMA fight? No one stays knocked out for more than a few seconds.” I looked to the unmoving guard. “Unless, you know, that thing I said about concussions or some other head trauma.”

  All three of us stared at the guard, mentally counting the seconds.

  “Damn it, John. Stay here,” Hayley instructed before she began a light jog toward the man. “Ludvig, on me.”

  Ludvig followed her, and I could see them working together to make sure any damage was healed before Hayley got ready to put some sort of sleeping spell on him, or so was my guess.

  With a few moments to myself, I took in a deep breath and looked at the world around me.

  The sun was still several minutes away, but I took a split second to once again marvel at the fact that in my celestial suit of armor, I no longer saw the evil tendrils of the approaching dawn nor feared its rays on my skin. After however long we had been out doing our mission—because I was bad at time management—you would think that I would have gotten used to the light by now. But the truth was, after more than five and a half centuries, I forced myself to acknowledge how awesome it was that I could stand in the sun again.

  As with the opposite sides of a coin, my optimistic “heads” was countered by the pessimistic “tails,” which reminded me I wasn’t the only vampire on Earth who could bask in the sun.

  At the mere thought of Ulric, my mind flashed with all he had taken from me and what he had put my friends through.

  My jaw set and I wordlessly strode toward where the bunker had been, letting Mjolnir vanish and opting instead for my celestial gladius. It roiled with flames powered by my sudden anger, and I could feel my teeth grinding against one another as I snarled at no one. I couldn’t explain why, but my building wrath suggested that I could use even more fire to fix the situation. The thought of someone painstakingly setting up a row of dominoes and accidentally knocking a few over came to mind, with the person screaming in frustration at the few that had tumbled toward the end, and in response, swiping a hand at the entire line in anger.

  I stopped, squeezing my eyes tight as I bared my teeth at the thought of Ulric, and willed my flaming gladius to reluctantly vanish.

  It felt good to win even a small battle over my pride, but I still felt the bugs of frustration crawling under my skin from where my anger had tried to escape.

  Letting out my breath and opening my eyes, I saw Ludvig and Hayley approaching.

  Coming to the bunker entrance, I saw where it descended underground with a steel ladder that was now deformed and melting, warped from the lava.

  Seeing a large molten pool at the bottom, I pulled up Mjolnir with my left hand and hoisted it to the clouds. Reaching far past where even planes flew, I grabbed a torrent of freezing air and brought my hammer down as if striking an invisible watermelon. (Jeez, stupid Gallagher and his stupid watermelons; why was this my go-to?)

  The downward rushing wind formed a violent cyclone of freezing air no thicker than my own frame and flooded into the bunker with a gale of frozen fury.

  For shits and giggles, I then focused on sending the air from the troposphere—which was around -60ºF—straight down the tunnel, hopefully freezing the lungs or eyeballs of any awaiting warlock in the process. At the very least, I was hopeful that I had thrown off the timing for any trap or summoning.

  I released my hold on the freezing air, let Mjolnir vanish, and peered down to see my plan had worked. The lava was now cooled to a blackened surface, solid enough to safely walk on.

  Summoning my gladius again, I stepped off the edge and down the rabbit hole to land some twenty feet below the warehouses.

  Crimson eyes scanned down the square concrete hallway. Every twelve feet, on both sides, a wooden doorway stood in stark contrast to the gray of the surrounding stone.

  Stepping forward, I kept watch as a light blast of air pushed my coat flaps forward.

  Curious, I dared a backward glance and saw Warden Broadway pointing her glowing wand at the ground, which I deduced had slowed her jump into the hole with a pillow of air.

  She stepped forward with glowing wand at the ready, and a
huge black mass blurred down behind her, smacking heavily onto the floor in a superhero pose. I nodded in approval at how cool the paladin looked, though I wouldn’t admit it out loud.

  The massive Ludvig stood up, his red goggles staring past me, or so I thought. I couldn’t be sure, and I briefly wondered if they had some sort of magic or advanced technology in them. You know, like Iron Man or something. I’d have to ask him if I could try them on at some point.

  “Get down!” Ludvig cried out as Hayley dropped into a crouch and I slammed my back against the wall as the Swede moved his hand in a blur. A fully automatic H&K MP5K burped 9mm rounds downrange with a deafening staccato and brilliant flashes. From where I stood plastered against the wall, I could feel each shock wave as the rounds exploded from the shortened muzzle.

  Normally, I wouldn’t be fearful of ammunition from any gun, but I knew the Supernatural Hunter was locked and loaded with supe-murdering munitions. Each round either had magic-canceling resin at the center, was coated in silver or iron, was comprised entirely of silver, had been blessed by Father Thomes, or had any combination of the aforementioned substances.

  An empty magazine dropped as another was inserted and a round was chambered before the spent mag even touched the floor.

  Hayley reached behind her to snag it off the ground and bring it inside her gray cloak where I knew she kept a satchel. It was impressive to watch the two work synergistically...or some other corporate buzzword.

  My hands glided up and down my torso, feeling for bullet holes from the tiny death machine, and was relieved when I felt the celestial armor. It had even solidified over my head and protected my ears from the deafening sound of gunfire in an enclosed space.

  Once it was clear that I hadn’t sustained any damage, I sniffed the air and almost moaned at the relaxing scent of propellant hovering all around. The aroma of freshly spent rounds—coupled by the promise of the pleasant smell of gun oil when it was time to clean them—was the masculine equivalent of walking by a candle or lingerie store for the fairer sex. It was comforting.